Dissatisfaction

Really not feeling good about myself right now. I just tried a 50-minute yoga video, and had to really push myself to get 31 minutes through. I feel so fat and lazy. It feels like have my fitness routine these days is catching up, getting back in the swing after over eating or needing to take  break for some reason. Why can my body not do this? Why do I feel the need to keep falling into disordered eating habits? I’ll do ok for a week or so, and then slip into bad habits without even noticing or knowing.  I have been wanting to lose weight and tone up for so long, but it feels out of my grasp.

To top things off, my skin is breaking out too. For a long time I had really dry skin. At some point, again without me noticing my forehead got bumpy and shiny, and my cheeks are now showing a few spots of their own. I know I’m bad at self-maintenance, but shouldn’t the fact that I’m trying count for something?? I don’t have money to see a dermatologist, OR buy a bunch of new products, so I feel like I’m screwed no matter what I do.

It all comes down to money. I am sick and tired of my retail job. Other than working at McDonalds the first year of my career so far, I have been in retail for almost a decade. I’m sick of it! But when I think of changing fields, I feel so very, very tired. I don’t have experience, but the only way to get experience is to enter the field. With whose energy? With whose stamina? With whose hope? The spurts I get every now and then aren’t enough. Working with kids is one area where it’s especially important to provide dependability.

I wish I knew what my end goal was, what I want to do with my life. I’m in an Educational Assistant program, but I don’t even know if that is exactly the career I want. It’s the field I want for sure, but my classmates seem so much surer in their occupational goals.

It sucks not to be able to sit down and plan for my future without having panic and a fresh, black, wave of depression.

I wish I could end in some hopeful way, but that’s all I’ve got right now.

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